Monday, February 24, 2014

Why I'm still a college drop out, and I'm okay with that

I've mentioned several times on this blog that I want to go back to school. Just see this post, that post, and this one. But I'm biding my time. I know several people who are in school and doing it with little kids, and I don't know how they do it. I dropped out of college because I really wasn't dedicated enough to push my nose to the grind in order to work full time and be a piano performance major. I had just gotten married, and I figured I would be raising kids the next few decades, what would I need a degree for? Yes, how little I knew back then. If I had a do-over, I would take out student loans, not work, and we would eat top ramen every night, while I studied, practiced, performed my heart out, and graduated. Oh well, thinking about the past is not progressive.

I do know I wouldn't go back for music. I just sold my baby grand piano last week. I've never been so attached to an inanimate object before. It seems strange to me that I care so much about a piece of furniture. But I do. I played it one last time before the movers came over, and as I stumbled through Erik Satie's Gymnopedie, I thought, selling my piano will be like accepting that I will never be able to play like I once did when I was a performance major. That dream is now closed, final.

Now I have my family to help support, so not working and doing school isn't an option. Working full time, raising two kids and doing school sounds like a recipe for failure. I've been known for taking too much on my plate, only to implode later on. I don't want to make those mistakes again. For now, I'm testing the water, dipping my toes in, slowly acclimating to the water. Choosing English is a no-brainer, but I'm open to any path it may lead to. Another nugget of wisdom I've learned is not all paths are straight. I can't carve my way from point A to point B without some twists and turns.

My Uncle teaches Chinese at BYU, and offered to get a syllabus from an English professor, so I could study a course on my own, as a kind of test to see if I could keep up. Instead, getting my feet wet happened when the stars aligned, everything fell into place, and Shelah graciously allowed me to sit in on her Mormon Lit class at BYU Salt Lake this January. Amazingly, I kept up with the reading, and then two weeks into the class, it was cancelled. I don't understand I thought, this was meant to be! It's not often I get that right place at the right time feeling! Since then I've often asked myself, what did I learn in those two weeks? I learned that I felt guilty spending more time away from my kids, and that I'm not ready to take that enrollment leap.

Maybe you're reading this thinking, oh she's just letting fear hold her back, you can do it!! Just work hard, it will all be worth it!! But as I get older I'm feeling more and more that I do have time, lots of time, and I need to wait until the time is appropriate for me. So now that's off my chest. I won't mention college again, not until it becomes a reality, then I'll give you an update on how wonderful and difficult it is.

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