Friday, November 8, 2013


I lay down in bed and Mike says

"Why are you breathing like you're out of breath?" I hadn't noticed but realized my heart was racing when he brought it to my attention.

I've felt this before, had many nights where I lay in bed and felt my heartbeat pulsing, my body one throbbing mass. I can feel the throbbing in my lips, like my pulse is trying to explode around my mouth. My body feels like an undulating river, or like waves pounding on the shore. It must be stress related. I must be worrying. In fact I do have a huge decision to make about my job. It's one of those things that's so important I feel like making the right choice is life or death.

I've only been 100% sure about one choice I made. It was about getting married. I knew before I had gone through the motions of prayer, that Mike was it for me. I was so sure, as if God had stood before me and spoken the words out loud. I was so young and I knew I wasn't ready for marriage, but I couldn't deny the powerful feeling that I was supposed to marry Mike. Ten years later I have no regrets despite how unprepared and young I felt.

I wish I had that certainty about every decision I've made. I have made most choices relying on my strong analytical senses, with detailed pro and con lists, one, two, and five year plans all worked out on paper. But each time the decision end up being made based on feelings. Maybe that is because I am a woman and we are driven by emotions more than any other influence. I have come to recognize one thing, that making decisions based on fear causes regression instead of progression.

If I choose against something due to fear, I probably made the wrong choice. But fear and red flags must not be confused. Red flags occur when morality and integrity are questioned by making the choice. So far I don't see any red flags, and the only thing to fear is fear of the unknown. Do I play it safe, or decide on something that is unknown but has the potential to significantly benefit my life and my family's life?

When I choose I hope I will have the peace of mind allowed by choosing the path that will cause me to lay in bed, head burrowed in my pillow making its familiar curve under my neck. I will close my eyes, breathe slowly, and quickly melt into the restful sleep of oblivion.

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