I received an envelope in the mail today from the University of Utah School of Music. It was a request to donate to their scholarship fund because as the letter states "The demands of the program make it difficult for performance students to work and attend school." Were they aware they were sending this letter to someone who had dropped out of the music program because she couldn't handle the amount of practice and studying required and work a full time job? Probably not. I'm not blaming the school, but I do blame myself for what I wish I had known back then.
I was too proud to take out a loan to pay for school. I had been raised with staunch expectations to pay my own way through college without ever falling into debt. I was too proud to let my husband support me. Getting through school and relying solely on yourself for everything is an admirable desire, but after ten more years of life I've come to realize it's okay to let people help you and it's okay to have student loans if you want to graduate. So I will try not to be resentful, and maybe I will even donate so that other young students will have a better opportunity than I did.
In the meantime, I keep telling myself my time will come. I wish I knew when, I'm all about deadlines and planning, making schedules and lists. It's frustrating not being able to put "go back to school" on my calendar and count the days until that day is here. But like every other woman out there, my mother instinct is too strong or I'm too practical, so I will continue to worry over the success of my children before I achieve my own. That said, I will go back, I've promised myself, I don't take my own promises lightly and I always keep my word.